BeneathTheSunrays

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Non-fiction write-up

I’ll take you to a flashback of my childhood today. I come from an Indian family where my elders taught me to pray to God every single day. You know, how spiritual Indian families can get. It was a ritual. Wake up, take a bath, get ready and then you pray. That was what the early morning hours of my childhood looked like. So, we had a little temple at my home where I used to pray. I used to stand in front of the temple, close my eyes, fold my hands, and ask something to God for myself. To be honest, I never prayed to thank God. Rather, I always prayed to ask for something else; something better. And once I was done with my prayer, the moment I opened my eyes I could always see a handful of chocolates or some dry fruits in front of me. And I can’t tell you that happiness in my eyes. My papa used to tell me, "Because you prayed well, god gifted you your favourite sweet." At that moment I used to be so much thankful to god. I used to close my eyes once again and thank him for sending the little bounties. This little act used to make my day. And some days by any chance if I didn’t get any chocolate or dry fruits, I used to find my day worthless. I know it sounds stupid but this was what I felt like a 10-year-old. The same ritual went for years until one day my cousin told me, “You know what, these little gifts which you think God gives you, is given by your papa.” And that made me awestruck. I mean, I was grown up enough to understand it but I didn’t want to believe it. A few days back, I was retrospecting as to what I gave in return to my parents. And I hate to accept it, but I realised I haven't given the best I could. I realised how they tried to make me feel the best by this very kind act of love since childhood itself. And there are many countless instances in between. And what did I do for them? I feel guilty of myself. You see, just like every millennial today, I was occupied in my own world. I could not make time for them. Or I think, it's better if I put it as I didn't try making time for them. I felt they weren't my priority. And I am very sorry for it. This thought crept within me for days and I felt so much stupid of myself. Well, the mistake was done. It was now time to rectify it to the best I could. Lately, I have been spending a sufficient amount of time with them and I can see the glitter in their eyes. They always have a list of things to share with me and it's good to see them lively. I make sure to have my evening "कड़क चायॅ" with them. We spend the time cracking jokes and we laugh our hearts out and it feels the best. Just the best. I promise myself to never take them for granted ever again. And I'll make sure to love them to the best I can.

Things we weren't taught

There is a list of things we weren’t taught as kids and most of the time I wonder why. I was never taught how to take care of myself when I find myself vulnerable and lost. I wasn’t taught to be kind to myself. All I was ever told was, “Be kind to everyone you meet.” Why didn’t they tell me that even I am a part of ‘everyone I met’? When I feel broken, I don’t know what am I supposed to do because nobody taught me skills that are very important in life; skills that are important to stay happy. Why didn’t they tell me that everything is fine until and unless you lose confidence in your own eyes and you should never let that happen? They never uttered a word about self-belief and it amazes me to realise how can anyone not tell us some of the most important life skills that are pertinent in every little step we take. While everyone I knew taught me how to sit and dress, they never gave me a step to step guide on how to love myself. Neither did they tell me that loving myself is the best gift I will ever possess nor did they tell me that it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to feel susceptible at times. They didn’t teach me that it’s completely okay to not-be-successful in something you have put your heart into and that is not called failure. All they ever said was, ‘You’re supposed to be a winner’ What if, I don’t want to be a winner? I hope we learn the skills that weren’t taught to us. I hope we learn to understand ourselves. I hope we all gather the strength to accept ourselves the way we are and slowly try to make ourselves better. I hope we understand that we all have our own pace and it’s okay to go slow. All I hope is, all of us define our own set of happiness, be the kindest to ourselves and have a huge amount of love and self-belief for ourselves, today and every single day.

Hang in there, okay?

We all have those days when we don’t feel like doing anything. It’s a very numb feeling and it becomes difficult to express ourselves. There is something that seems to be killing us inside and it feels so much difficult to convey the sadness we have been feeling to people around us. Life all of a sudden feels a little too overwhelming. During days like these, I rely on art. I listen to Coldplay and When Chai Met Toast on repeat. I watch FRIENDS and I stay in bed till I feel better. And I cry my heart out. I literally cry my heart out. And it makes me feel better. To everyone who has been feeling the same lately, I want you to know that you’re not alone. We all have those days when our mental health goes for a toss. We seem to detest ourselves and it feels difficult to love ourselves. It’s okay. Hold on. Do everything you can to make yourself feel home. You can take professional help as well. Take it one step at a time and try being kind to yourself. I promise you will find yourself. I promise you will have that sunshine again. Till then, all the love and faith to you. . . . 📸: @pinterest

Spilling secrets

There are optimists and there are pessimists. And some people are self-obsessed and the other kind of people are the ones who loathe themselves. This is for the one who believes that since one is optimistic and one loves themselves, everything in their life is beautiful or rather, they make everything beautiful for themselves. Shhh, I’ll tell you a little secret today. 1. We are not always positive. We self-doubt too. It’s just that we don’t let the feeling of negativity make a home in our heart real soon. 2. We live on energies. I’d rather say we breathe on energies. And it’s difficult for us to let go of people and the situations that send us negative vibes and turn it into a positive one. 3. There are days when we google, “What to do when one is feeling low?” Yes, it’s true. We do that too. 4. We do feel sad, lost, broken, vulnerable and all kind of negative feelings that everyone else feels. And we cannot fix everything. Some feelings stay broken and we learn to live with it, just like you. So, the next time when you assume that because we are optimistic, we are supposed to be lively every single time, spare yourself a moment and think before spitting it out. .

To loving yourself

Since childhood itself, we have been asked to gain knowledge and learn soft skills. We are taught so many subjects in school which has no application in practicality. But one thing which we have never been asked to do is understand ourselves. I can’t remember anyone telling me or even the present generation to understand our feelings and emotions. This is how things work; the more you spend time in something, the better you are gonna be in that field. But, how many of you recall spending time with yourself? To be honest, we don’t know ourselves. It is because we have never been advised to spend time knowing just ourselves. The concept of “me time” sounds alien to most of us. If we want to know more about ourselves, we will have to spend time introspecting and retrospecting ourselves. You may ask, why is it so important to understand ourselves? It’s because we cannot let go of ourselves. You need to be there for yourself. The answer to how do we make ourselves better is by knowing ourselves deep within. It’s about knowing ourselves inside out and figuring it out for ourselves what keeps us lively and what drains the energy within us. So, why not take the first step towards a better content life from today itself? And who knows you may start liking yourself a little more.

It’s a cold night today. I’m watching the moon outside my balcony and I’m smiling throughout. I feel happy within. I’m content. Okay, so why am I telling you this? Oh, yes. I would definitely love to hear that you’re content too but it’s okay if some days you don’t feel anywhere close to being okay forget about feeling content. You’ll see me today and you will wonder why am I so happy. And when I tell you that I cried myself to sleep last night and it was so difficult for me to breathe, you will refrain yourself from believing your ears. But, that’s reality. This is how life is. One day you are happy and content and beautiful and peaceful and everything you’d want to be. And the other day you’re fragile and lost and vulnerable and susceptible to everything. And it’s okay. It’s completely okay to feel everything you’ve been feeling. We are all on the same page. The only thing to draw back home is to be kind to yourself when things feel a little off. It’s important to give yourself the love you’ve been waiting to get it from someone else. It’s important to sit with yourself and have patience with yourself just like your best friend manages to have that with you. And during days when you’re happy and smiling all the way watching the moon, smile till you feel like and let it reach your heart. Because all of us we deserve this kind of happiness once in a while and when such joy makes its way towards you, make sure that you’ve made it home to your heart. Picture Credits: Pinterest

The right kind of people

I hope we all get the right kind of people in our lives. The ones who are so happy for your success that they shed a tear or two out of happiness. The ones who will pick you up when you feel you’ve lost everything. The ones who will laugh with you when you bagged that dream job and will also be there to pick you up on days when you’re finding it difficult to leave your bed. When people call you ‘weird’, I hope you know there is nothing wrong with you but the way that person looks at you. And they are the wrong kind of people. The right kind of people will be there for you through thick and thin. They will be there for you at your lowest and even at your utmost happiness. The right kind of people will love you more than you love yourself and they will push you to give your best. The right kind of people will never ask you to be somebody else. You will be ‘you’ in front of them and they will absolutely love you for what you are. They will make you feel beautiful. The right kind of people will help you grow and nurture yourselves and they are the kind of people one ever needs in their life. And I hope we all get all the right kind of people because all of us deserve to have people who make us feel worthy. Picture Credits: Pinterest

Never beg to be loved

We hold on to those people who cannot love us for so many reasons. In a way or the other, they make us feel that we are so difficult to be loved and cared for. We pause, we introspect and we give our best to let ourselves feel worthy of their love. We wait to feel loved. And in this run for holding on to people who treat us the worst possible, we let go of the people who love us for so many reasons. Let go of this kind of love. Rather, hold on to people who love you when you are at your worst. Hold on to people who can hear you crying at 2 in the morning, and is there to pick you up. Make room for the people who are there for you where the world seems to cease away. Make room, make enough room for people who are there to lift you up and make you better with every passing day. Stop holding on to people who see the worst in you even when you’re at your best. Stop doing that to yourself. We all deserve the love that manages to see the good in us even when we are on the verge of breaking down. Make room for such people and please do not let them go. Hold them too close to your heart and keep on doing the best for them. The love we deserve will love us for our folly. Most importantly, the love we deserve will love us for who we are.

Friendship - A choice

We all make choices in our lives. Choice to be there for a show that your friend is hosting while you could be preparing your favourite meal for the day. It is about being there over the call just to listen to her silence when your friend is crying over something that is bothering her. It’s about being there. It’s about asking, “Hey, are you feeling any better?” when you realised your friend has been a little off. It’s about late-night talks and early morning motivation to do better in life. It’s about being sensitive about the things that could hurt the other person. It’s about giving the liberty to make mistakes and at the same time helping her rectify the mistake. It’s about trying to help each other grow and be the best version of themselves. It’s about understanding that we are two different people with different fears and insecurities, and still trying to make space for each other. It’s about talking passionately about things you love without any judgement. It’s about laughing your heart out over lame jokes. It’s not always about understanding one another in the best way possible but it’s about giving each other utmost respect even if your opinion doesn’t match. It’s appreciation. It’s gratitude. It’s respect. It’s a feeling of thankfulness that you have for each other. Friendship is about sticking through no matter what. And it’s a choice like any other.

When I look into the mirror early in the morning after I’ve just woken up, I see a bright smile and a sparkle in my eyes. My eyes speak in itself. It subtly conveys me that the girl right in front of her, she is proud of her. It speaks about the amount of respect and love that I have for myself. It reminds me that I own this day and I can handle everything I wish for. I confidently smile back at the happy face smiling right back at me and I mentally remind her to be good and do good. I sometimes wonder, how can the eyes know so much but most of the times I let it go. I stand confidently in front of her, looking straight into the eyes with messy hair and it makes me feel good. I like myself. I like to believe that I like myself.

I know how to love

I don’t know how to paint sunsets. I don’t know how to click the perfect photograph of yours that makes you look slim. I don’t know how to play the instrument that makes you groove. I don’t know to sing the song from your favourite artist and I even don’t know how to cook a delicious dessert or cuisine for that matter. But I know how to love. I know how to love wholeheartedly. I know how to care. I know how to make people smile and laugh their heart out. And I know holding conversations. I might not know some of the most wonderful things that people know, but I know how to make people feel worthy. I know giving my heart and soul while listening to everyone I talk to and I know how to build a safe space. The one where people comfortably tell me about the deepest scars that they have or how they are good at something but wished to be good at something entirely different. Where they talk about their dreams with the sparkle in the eyes and they keep on talking about it for 3 straight hours. Where they look into my eyes and tell me how they feel vulnerable every night and how they feel they have done more wrongs in their life than rights and that makes them a terrible person and therefore, they do not deserve happiness. And that’s the time when I look straight into their eyes and tell them that they deserve all the happiness that the world has to offer and I silently wait to watch their lips curve into a smile. Picture Credits: Pinterest

There are days when I go to bed early but I barely manage to fall asleep. On those days, I cannot help but question everything. I wonder, why am I here. I wonder, what is that one thing that I want to achieve. I wonder what makes the moon and the stars so pretty. I wonder what makes life worthy. Somewhere within I wonder what if I was not meant to do what I am doing. What if, I am good at something different altogether which I haven’t even explored till the date. I wonder the amount of difference the kind of family you belong to can make and I even wonder, what if I wasn’t as privileged as I am today, how would life turn out to be? You see, the world has been pretty kind to me all this while and I wonder if I deserve all of it. I wonder if I am worthy of the best friends that stick by me at 3 in the morning or at 6 in the evening. I wonder if I’ve done something really grateful to be worthy of having a roof over my head. I wonder if I am making a good impact in anyone else’s life and while I am wondering about everything which doesn’t make much of a sense at this hour, I open my WhatsApp. I go through some of my starred messages and I read some of the messages that makes me feel grateful of who I am as a person. There is a text message from my best friend that reads “You’re worthy. Thank you for existing.” there is another that reads, “10 beautiful things that I’ve learnt from you.” I read these messages, I smile to myself and at that moment, I feel I deserve all of it. You see, this is why I starred those messages, for days like these; days when I cannot sleep and when my heart ceases its way to question my self worth, these are the kind of messages that keep me going. And these are the kind of people I need when I seem to lose my right state of mind; people who let me be who I am and who help me grow every single day without asking for anything in return. They tell me that I deserve nothing but the best and I don’t completely believe it. Anyways, you tell me, do you and I have a say in what we deserve? Picture Credits: Pinterest

The gratitude exercise

I make my to-do-list of the day, and the first task of my day is to be happy. Before going to bed I have this feeling of contentment that kind of speaks in itself that I made my day worth it. I practice this gratitude exercise every single day where in my head I thank 5 people or things that I’m glad to have in my life and I realized how things really change with all these little manipulations in your head. I often wonder, what it takes to love; to love ourselves, to love things we do, and to love everything and everyone. I haven’t known a stronger emotion than love and it amazes me to find how a little of love can make everything so perfect. Add a little love to how you look into yourself and you will be amazed to find a new you. It's important to spend time over things that makes us happy. The definition of what makes us “happy” is different for each one of us and that’s okay. It’s absolutely okay. Look at the clouds and dance if that makes you feel happy. Have that warm cup of coffee if that is what makes you day. Have a productive day if that makes you happy or do nothing if that kind of makes you feel free, so be it. But do whatever necessary to have a happy day for yourself. Also, no matter how much we run for fame and money and all the materialistic elements required to have a successful life, at the end of the day, having that peace and content within is what we really thrive for. So, pause, introspect and reflect a little on what keeps you going and what is your kind of “happy." I really hope just like me, you are in a state where you wake up every morning and remind myself of all the wonderful blessings you’re bestowed with. And all it does it puts a smile on your face.

To my future self

List of things I’d like to remind my future self. 1. Kindness: No matter how successful you get in the ladder of life, remember to be kind. Both to yourself and to others. In the world full of like-minded people, kindness is a blessing. And I want you to be that person who is a little kinder and therefore, a little more lovable. There is nothing that can certainly beat people who treat you with kindness. 2. Never be afraid to love wholeheartedly: I won’t tell you that you will always have wonderful days. And I won’t even tell you that you’ll make it smoothly through life. I won’t. Rather, I want you to know that even after some rough relationships, I want you to stand for yourself and never stop appreciating and loving the other person to the best you can. You’ve always been an epitome of love. I don’t want you to lose that sparkle just because some other person didn’t have the capacity to give you enough of their love. 3. Be there for yourself: Whether you like it or not, you’ll always be with yourself. I don’t want you to just be with yourself, I want you to be there for yourself. Got the difference? Listen, honey, I want you to be with yourself in a good way. I want you to tell yourself everything positive, inspiring and lovely every now and then. I want you to know that you’re confident, amazing and inspiring in your own little ways. If you ever have this thought “Am I enough?” At that point of time, I want you to tell yourself boldly, “Yes, I’m. I’m capable of doing anything I wish to.” 4. Your family and some close friends should always be your priority. You should be happy enough to make time for them. There are no excuses acceptable when it comes to family and friends that are no less than a family. 5. At any point of time, if you feel like you’re not living life on your own terms and conditions or you’re not kind of happy, I want you to stop and ponder. I want you to introspect, revisit what makes you happy, switch careers if you feel like, and keep experimenting every now and then. Tell me, what is the point of living, if you aren’t happy?